Emersed in Green...

I wish I could talk like I used to be able to. Really. I used to be able to coherently share my thoughts and feelings and opinions with people on a regular basis – but it seems these days that it has gotten harder to do.

I have all these thoughts inside of my head with seemingly nowhere to go. I told Bri today, that I feel like only about 30% of my thoughts actually come out of my mouth to be shared with the world --- I wish it was a little higher of a number. Not that the majority of my thoughts are important or profound, nor would many, if anybody, care to know them – I just wish that it was a little easier to do. I find it almost impossible to get them out. I just can’t seem to wrap words around them…

I have these perfectly coherent thoughts….thoughts that linger in my head for minutes or even hours at a time. I sort through them, sift around in my brain for awhile, expand upon them, negate them, and all those sorts of things – but when it comes time to verbalize anything I seem to talk myself in circles, lose my train of thought, and just flat out stumble through awkwardly. It’s hard to understand….

I think that somewhere along the way recently, my thoughts got linked to my emotions – two things that had been kept apart for oh so long. My emotions have been kept locked up tight in this vault for a very long time, and to be honest, it’s sometimes hard to understand why they seep out at the times they do. Emotions are a big time thing for me…they mean I feel…and when I feel there is a sense of vulnerability; a fear of being hurt; or not being able to seem like the strong individual I am often perceived of being. Granted, I’m pretty sure that this isn’t the only reason for my “lisping, stammering tongue” as Andrew Peterson likes to call it, but perhaps it is a contributor. I’m OK with it though – because life isn’t worth living unless you allow yourself to feel…and I’d much rather have trapped thoughts than a lifeless heart.